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Monday, December 20, 2010

Perpetual PMT.

Well I gave the 'lets look at the bright side' angle a good crack. Feels a bit fake and forced however. To be honest I feel pretty average most of the time, as if I have a permanent case of pre menstrual tension. Up tight, constantly on the verge of tears and emotionally exhausted. I was listening to Kate Bush in the car a couple of days ago, crying. Her voice was so piercingly beautiful. Haunting at times. I thought about how young she was when she penned Wuthering Heights, so precocious. Then I thought about what a social recluse she is and wondered if she could be Aspie? Which led to the realisation that I am starting to see everything through an Autism lens. Blah. It's shit constantly being caught out by rising emotions. Not trusting yourself to maintain composure. I hope when I see people they don't ask me how I'm going because it's just too hard to answer. Honestly anyway. My days are spent surfing waves of grief.

I probably shouldn't care so much about dropping my bundle around friends. I'm sure they would understand. But maintaining friendships during this time is so important, and I don't want to drive people away with my miserable preoccupation. So I put on a brave face, and in the process inadvertently send the message that I'm coping well. Thereby possibly not getting the support I might otherwise.

Just one more complexity to navigate. One more topic for rumination at 3am. Amongst the guilt that I'm not dedicating enough of my day to Harri's therapy. I still draw the line at self pity though. I will not allow myself to go down that path. Yet.

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