Get Thee Behind Me Guilt.

I'm not sure if the fatherhood experience is riddled with a heap of paternal guilt. We all know the stories of men expressing remorse on their death beds that they didn't spend more time with their family. But this restrospective regret is not the same as the daily round up of 'what crap did I do to my kids today' that most mothers I know experience. Perhaps not on a daily basis, but at least often enough for it to be a recognised phenomenon. It makes sense that we mums may be hard wired to this disposition as it probably helps to ensure the survival of the species. If we feel no guilt about whether we are doing the best for our kids, then what would propel us to ensure we are doing just that? Apart from love of course. Which again is why we feel guilt. Because we care. In fact it is those mothers who feel no guilt or regret about poor parental decisions that are most likely to end up having their children removed. Their lack of compassion and insight is pathological in most cases.

So when you have a child with a diagnosis that is likely the result of an in utero 'insult' combined with genetic fallability there's lot to get anxious over. Then of course there's the process of getting a diagnosis, and specifically how it comes about. And there's the decision about which therapy path to choose. And always someone who does not approve of your choice leading to self doubt and more potential guilt. In some of these cases it is guilt for it's own sake. A habitual thought pattern. In other cases, that nagging sense that you are not doing right by your child may be just the warning necessary to change the therapeutic course. But how do you know which is which?

I admit to 2am musings. What did I do, or allow myself to be exposed to in the first trimester, or beyond, that may have caused his neurological development to go a bit pear shaped? Of course, it is generally a pointless exercise. If researchers don't know, why would I come up with the answer during a sleepless interlude? My point is unrelenting guilt that you may have unwittingly caused your childs ASD, either during or after pregnancy, is both unhelpful and unproductive, Spending time worrying about something you no longer have any control over, means missing the opportunity to look forward and plan ways to make the situation as good as it possibly can be. I would also point to those families in which several siblings have various degrees of ASD. For me this is incontrovertable proof of a strong genetic link.

More troubling, some mothers seem unable to come to terms with their childs diagnosis. They are steeped in grief and guilt that they are not doing enough to 'cure or recover' their child as other mums claim. This may take some down dangerous paths. Trying Chelation or Fecal Transplant therapies. Both of which have no sound basis as treaments for ASD, and the latter being particularly foul in every sense of the word. I am coming to think the best approach to raising a child with Autism is a pragmatic one. Acceptance is first, and is not complete until the guilt trip you put yourself on is finalised. Put it to rest and leave it there. Then move into the active phase of treatment, knowledge gathering, and learning to love the little person you have brought into the world as they are. And thereby finding joy in their achievements like you do with any other child. Not because they are one step closer to an idea of 'normal'. Your unique child will most likely always be ASD. If parents feel that both they and their child have not achieved the cure they aspire to this can only fuel feelings of failure, frustration and guilt for both. What a waste that would be.